ADDICTION

Joseph was a nervous wreck. He was having a tough time staying away from it. “No, I should not. Everyone is right. My addiction will destroy my life.”

Joseph was trying to think things through. “How had all of this happened?” he wondered. He remembered the days of his childhood back in his village – the shy, quiet boy who was the consistent topper in all his exams in his school.

He was trying to distract himself, he realized. He was trying not to think about the craving he had, the desperate urge he felt to fulfill his desire – no, his need – for it. He kept pacing up and down, trying to think of something else, anything else. But he knew that this would be a futile effort. He knew that no matter how hard he tried, he would not be able to distract himself forever.

“My son has got admission in a very prestigious college in the city!!” He remembered the fateful day, the joy on his mother’s face as she distributed sweets to everyone. Joseph had got a scholarship in the city, and now his dream of joining college would be realized. And why not? He had worked hard for it. As he remembered the events that had led to his current situation, Joseph could not help but be overcome by emotion. As he closed his eyes shut, a tear rolled down his cheek.

“Why did I get into all of this? Why did I let it take over my life?” Joseph cursed himself. He knew there was no one else to blame but himself, no excuse he could hide behind. But deep down inside, he knew the reason for all of this. He remembered the first two semesters in college – how he had tried so hard to fit in, how he could not work in group projects or presentations because of his awkwardness, how he could not make any friends, how he felt like an outcast. He remembered how he had felt so alone; so left out in a crowd.

And then he had found it. At first, he had been skeptical. He had not wanted to try it. Someone had mentioned it in college, and soon curiosity got the better of him. He remembered going into the dingy room, sitting in the tiny space nervously, as he tried it out for the first time. He had not even liked it that much the first time. But then he had got hooked. It transported him to a new world – a world where he had no worries of his awkwardness and his different mannerisms, where he was liberated. He now felt popular, he felt cool – this was an elixir for all his social handicaps. For once, he was happy and felt part of something – he felt he belonged.

But his newfound happiness came at a price – he could not concentrate on anything else. He constantly wanted to get his fix – he bunked his classes, barely ate, lost out on sleep, and spent most of his limited money on going back to get his fix. His marks took a nosedive, and he failed many of his exams. The subjects he had in arrears kept piling up. His life was spiraling downward, but Joseph was oblivious to any of this. Nothing else mattered anymore.

Joseph tried not to look at the cupboard in his room. He had been trying not to all day, but his gaze kept going back to it. Each time, it got harder to look away. Joseph realized he was shaking now. The effort it took to hold himself back was more than he could bear. His willpower was waning, and he knew it wouldn’t be long before he succumbed to temptation.

And then, in a moment he knew he would regret; Joseph did it. His body moved as though controlled by an external force. In a determined stride, he walked to the cupboard. As his hand reached out and opened the door, Joseph felt euphoria amidst all the nervousness. Joseph took the pouch out of the cupboard.

He placed the pouch on the table and opened the zipper. The very sound of this made him cringe. As he took out the contents from the bag, he remembered how he had begged his classmate for it – he had made tall promises to use it for a week. “I’ll give you anything, please. I need it only for a week.” Joseph felt ashamed at how he had stooped so low, how he had made a spectacle of himself. Tears welled up in his eyes.

As he assembled the components together, he remembered his mother’s tearful breakdown, the worried look on his uncle’s face, and the words of advice from his professors. All of them had come to meet him, because they cared for him. And he was letting them all down by his actions. He was letting himself down. Joseph felt the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach gain intensity. He tried to push aside his thoughts and got to work.

Joseph switched on the laptop with a shaking hand. He felt the soft whirring sound of it booting fill the room. The startup music on the Windows operating system felt so loud, his ears hurt. With a sense of urgency he had never known, Joseph connected to the unsecured wireless network of his neighbor.

He opened the Opera browser and looked at the favorites he had saved earlier. He felt relief flooding his senses now. He was ashamed of it, but he could not deny the unbridled joy he felt. He opened his Gmail account in one tab, his Facebook account in another, and his Twitter account in the third. As he succumbed to his addiction for the virtual networking world, Joseph broke into tears.